Monday, January 25, 2010

Being the decider

When I think too much I start to get panicky, my mind wanders into all sorts of tiny places that make me overly emotional and generally freaked out. I am the queen of avoidance, if I don't see it/think about it/read about it - that means it won't happen/doesn't exist. This is a character flaw of mine that I really need to work on.

The reason I bring this up is I'm hitting this fork in the road of nearing the end of my 20's, coming to a stagnant place in my worklife, which is in-turn leading me to think about what I want for my career/future, making some major life decisions about kids, which isn't made any easier by our IF issues, blah blah blah. For awhile now I've been in the mindset of "if I don't think about it, it'll go away" but now everything is coming to the point where decisions will need to be made soon. I have done an excellent job of pushing everything hard and uncomfortable over in the corner, not addressing any of it and just baking cookies instead. Add to that the feelings I have lately of wanting to change something in my life, whether it be where I live or where I work or just my hair, and I think I'm working on the beginnings of some sort of weird 'I'm-almost-29-what-have-I-done-with-my-life?!-crisis'. I'm trying not to completely lose my mind though, I'm making lists and taking a lot of deep breaths and talking to people I trust and I know that eventually it will work out. I just hope I don't talk myself into a blond bob before that happens...

4 comments:

sarahe said...

good luck with making those hard decisions! I am also bad at this stuff. I tend to just stick with what I know, even if I am not happy just to not rock the boat.

lynseym said...

I love this post and know exactly where you are. Take the reins, April! You'll be good at whatever you decide! You say pushing it in the corner is bad but you are good at living in and for the moment--which someone who faces and frets can't do. But you are at a crossroads and I know you'll find your way! I love you!

bridgmanpottery said...

Sweet April. I always thought that 28 was where I wanted to stay for the rest of my life. 30 was better. 34 was (while very very hard in so many ways) even better. Maybe 35 will be a banner year then?
You aren't defined by your job. You define yourself by your interests, your skills, your kindness. Keep moving forward, keep thinking and reflecting and find out what will make you happy- then start doing it.

much love, friend.

kenan said...

I believe in you and no matter what you decide I've always got your back! As a professional fretter I can say with some authority that sometimes just simply making a decision, right or wrong, is such a relief. Then you can go back to sweating the small stuff, like what to order from the menu. You do have some big choices to make, it's true. But remember that you also have friends that love you so much.